I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
