He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
