OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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