but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize