I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
