I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
