nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
whose parrot is this?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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