is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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