if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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