yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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