The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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