the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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