there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
