i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
