Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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