cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
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Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
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She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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