Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
