this beer tastes like vomit already
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
So squirting runs in the family.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
