Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
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And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
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All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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