How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
