I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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