why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
