i think my mom watched the whole time
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
