I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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