I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
