I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
