dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
