I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
