from now on my penis is your penis
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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