Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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