i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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