Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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