I cannot find my penis.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
