lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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