Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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