So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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