Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
