Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Found the puke drawer
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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