Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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