my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
