I will die if light touches me.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
be right there i have to get my cape
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The adults are the big ones right?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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