Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
