I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
