I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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