ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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