If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
