And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I need to stop coming to work sober
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
