you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
