You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
