I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
