my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
