Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
What drink are we having for lunch?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
