My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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