I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I understand Curling. That high.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
