May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
