Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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