Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
