Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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