By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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