I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
