Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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